Gessessee brings swag back to AP Tests

     Many people prepare for AP tests by studying, but not Nathaniel Gessessee, he takes his AP preparations to a whole different level. For those of you who are familiar with Nathaniel you already know that some stupid things will leave his mouth ( see Article in the Irondale Eye "Nathaniel Says the Darndest Things"), but he doesn't just say stupid things he does stupid things. For example, I, THE Derek Sprang, said in a hypothetical situation that I could go all Brock Lesnar on him if we were to ever engage in hand to hand combat, and when he had heard what I had said he thought it was an invitation for a bru-haha. However, the fight never has happened, he still comes up to me every Friday and says, "Hey, Derek how does an ass beating sound?" This gets rather annoying after awhile.

Nathaniel exhibits an exorbant amount of Swag with his facial feature and top hat.

      Back to the AP tests, when people have witnessed Nathaniel preparing for his tests they have compared it to Michael Jordan preparing for Game 7.  The stakes are just as high for Nathaniel too, when asked what would happen if he failed the Calc II exam Nathaniel responded with this disturbing answer, "I would literally kill someone, I think.  There is no way I will fail that test."  This answer made me want to run to the AP Test Center and change his answers but for the safety of the civilians of New Brighton and Mounds View I decided this would not be the best course of action.  Also, to make sure he is loose for the exam Nathaniel engages in what any normal middle age women would do...jazzercise.  To make sure he gets the full effect he keeps his leotard (lee-oh-tard. Rhymes with Jake Rice's pronunciation of leopard) in a gym bag, although, there is a rip in his gluttis maximus region he keeps using it, and this is a rather interesting site for other AP test takers .   Stretching is just the beginning, Nathaniel has his head phones blasting the hottest new songs by Rick Ross to get him jacked up for this three-hour brain sizzling activity. To cap off his pre-test rituals he rips off his snap pants KG style and yells, "Let's go Mother Trucker!!!!!!"  He yells, "mother trucker" because he is afraid if he uses profanity he will be kicked out of the testing center, sending his forty dollars down the drain.

    Does high swag correlate with high test scores?  Let me answer this question with another question: Does Milli Vanilli's braids make him respectable?  The answer to that is YES.  So, although, you may laugh when Nathaniel is jazzercising or ripping his snap pants off, he will be laughing at you when he beats you on the AP test.

Spring Preview: Kelby is getting ready!!

We thought it may never end. For what seemed like ages, everyone across Minnesota was forced to plod through mile-high walls of snow in bone-chilling temperatures day after day after day. We were continually bombarded with torrential snowstorms, making Minnesotans hate shoveling more than Schumer hates Gary. Just when the weather seemed to be turning pleasant, the snowclouds let us have it. It was like we were popcorn movie buffs and the clouds were JPZx, putting us in our places. I mean, we got snow in May! That's almost as funny as Cris Collinsworth's timeless jokes.

But now, finally, the sun is finally starting to shine! Allow me to break the news because, of course, that's what I do best ;) spring is finally here! Eager leisure-lovers around the state have been taking advantage of the glorious weather by hitting the tennis courts, softball fields, and golf courses. However, the dawn of spring means something entirely different for one tough son-gun. Let me ask all y'all DEJG readers across the globe a question: do the words Kelby Buck mean anything to you?

True as toast, Kelby is getting ready to spend another entire summer in the Perovich family pool. Last year on those unbearable summer scorchers, the gang and I did everything we could to try to swoop sweet, sweet pool time, but we always failed (except for a few glorious forbidden midnight dips). Kelby dominated that pool as fiercly as James Rymarchick dominates the baseline with his buttery J. From sunrise to sunset, Kelby only left the pool only to get an occasional bowl of cereal--which he filled with pool water. Other than that, he was swimming every moment of the day. And he's ready to do it again.

While the rest of us have been frolicking about, Buck has started to stockpile the necessary supplies. Multiple witnesses report that he has been loading up on flippers, floaties, tubes, goggles, mermaid legs, those things you lay down in with the drink holders, and, of course, noodles. Kelby's spending spree has absolutely crippled Walmart's inventory of aquatic goods, sending American pool-owners/Rollback-enthusiasts into anti-Kelbian tirades. One angry lady under the user-name Watermom had this to say about Buck on The PoolForum:

"I hate that cow! Does he think that his Goodhue championship trophies earn him a free pass to all the pool gear he wants? If I EVER see him around, I'm gonna gouge his eyes out so he can never watch SportsCenter again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yikes! Needless to say, Watermom was banned from The PoolForum for these threats. I have a theory that she is locked up in the übercreepy attic above the Perovich's pool, but that is another story for another day. I contacted Walmart's corporate office for an interview on how they are holding up after Kelby swept their stores like he Jason Terry (Hi-yo! Lakers, SUCK ON THAT ONE!) with President & CEO William S. Simon, but he was not available for comment. From what I hear, he has taken refuge in the Caribbean after Watermom apparently threatened to bite his nose off when Ragu was taken off of Walmart's shelves. Instead, Eduardo Solórzano, President and CEO of Walmart Latin America, released this statement:

"The fact that Kelby Buck continues to obliterate our supply of pool accessories is not news to us. Years ago when he began hoarding supplies, I couldn't believe it. But we have adjusted and Walmart will be fine. However, I have heard that Kelby is always in the pool. ¡¿Siempre en la piscina?! Outrageous! He has become a living legend around the office! Now, everybody calls him Pasa Gorda Grande, which means Big Fat Prune. This man is lo...wait for it...co!

¡¡¡LOCO!!!"

Crazy is one way to describe it. Others call it ridiculous. Even fish say it's excessive. I happen to call it an Engage Eight blitz of passion. But whatever you call it, Kelby doesn't care. Don't believe me? You can ask him, but pretty soon there won't be any words coming out of his mouth. Only bubbles.




Blog by Ruffy :D