Darko Boyz to start last game vs. The Houston Rockets

A DEJG correspondent has a just caught a wiff of news from Minnesota Timberwolves GM David Kahn. The correspondent reported that the Darko Boyz, a Target Center staple, will be starting the T-Wolves season finale against the Houston Rockets. Now let's see how they will match-up against Lil Flip's Houston Rockets.

Point Guard
#10 Joe Perovich aka Perocri (Elementary School: Pike Lake) vs. #7 Kyle Lowry (College: Villanova)

Joe Perovich will have to look to use his money pull-up jumper that he developed on the concrete courts of Pike Lake to offset Lowry's quickness. For Lowry's sake (Diane's cousin), he might want to show up to the Target Center wearing a protective neck brace and eye goggles so he won't be rattled by Perovich's patent throat jabs and eye gouges. Perovich will have to look to contain Lowry's penetration to prevent the other Rockets from feeding off Lowry's mad passing skills. After seeing Perovich lead CTK #2 to second place in the Augsburg Tournament, I have to say the advantage is in the Darko Boyz' favor.
Advantage: Darko Boyz

Shooting Guard
#25 Jacob Ruff aka BDRuffy (Elementary School: Pike Lake) vs.
#12 Kevin Martin (College: Western Carolina)

Jacob Ruff, a member of the Juicy Staff, will look to use his running hook shots to keep the sharp-shooting Kevin Martin off balance and second guessing. One thing certain about Ruff is that he will bring a lot of swag to basketball court, his collection of racquetball goggles, headbands, XBOX (the original) games, and sweatbands are second to none. If this was Madden 2011 his Old Spice swagger rating would be a cool 88, higher than any other white player in the game. If Ruff can keep Martin from getting off his quick trigger 3 the Darko Boyz will have a big advantage over the Houston Rockets.
Advantage: Darko Boyz

Small Forward
#32 Bryan Sprang aka Nice Legs (Elementary School: Bel Air) vs.
#10 Chase Budinger (College: Arizona)

Nice Legs Sprang leg's are so shiny that the glare off of them will probably blind Budinger causing him to have trouble seeing passes and shooting his outside shot. Hopefully, for the Darko Boyz, the leg's glare will offset the constant fire on top of Budinger's head. Back to the X's and O's, Bryan will have to look to use his tough guy mentality to kill Pretty Boy Budinger's Pretty Boyness and doing so will allow B to dominate in the paint. Also, Sprang will have to use his outside shot to stretch the Rocket's shorts, because they will crap them after seeing his beautiful jumper, and their defense.
Advantage: Darko Boyz

Power Forward
#5 Derek Sprang aka D-Train (Elementary School: Bel Air) vs.
#44 Chuck Hayes (College: Kentucky)

First of all, for the record Dontrelle Willis stole the D-Train nickname from Derek, but anyways Derek will look to use his outside game to Chuck uncomfortable on defense because he usually on plays under the basket. Another thing Derek will have in his favor is his supreme usage of his Charizard Pokemon Card. Most people stunned by the 120 HP, higher than any pokemon, will be lost in holographic card causing them not to be able to focus on defense. Chuck Hayes will be no different after his obsession with Pokemon was shared with the world on his radio show.
Advantage: Darko Boyz

Center
Darko Milicic aka The Stache (Elementary School: The School of Hard Knocks) vs. Luis Scola (College: Argentina University)

The match-up off the two pros will turn into a SWAT party because of Darko's blocking skills. No freakin' contest.
Advantage: Darko Boyz

The Darko Boyz Bench
Jared Johnson #22, James Rymarchick #1, Josh Presbitero #00, Nick Hatchett #33, and #15 Nolan Johnson

Prediction
Darko Boyz: 101 Rockets: 76

We are now dripping Juicy Gossipizzle worldwide!

Ever since Derek returned to the blog scene, gossip lovers from across America have been lighting up the web and flocking to this blog to get the latest and greatest scuttlebutt. But today, we have reached a new height!

Derek's Even Juicier Gossipizzle is now a sizzling international sensation!
We could not be more proud of the fact DEJG is now being enjoyed around the globe in three countries worldwide. Many thanks to our four friends in Hungary and the pair of pals in Singapore who have been supporting us!

DEJG is still growing and is eager to gain readers in from all corners of the globe, so here is the official Derek's Juicy International Promise: For every country that views DEJG, we will post a photo of Derek with that country's flag. Tell your international friends!

Once again, thanks to ALL of our loyal readers out there. We love you! Mi szeret! Kami mencintaimu!

Blog by Ruffy :D

Mike Barton's Cover Blown!!

"If you don't make mistakes, you don't make anything."

When this proverbial statement was written, it's clear that the author (somehow) had Mike Barton in mind. Sure, we all make mistakes that cause minor inconveniences in our day. Sometimes, for instance, Pero forgets to wash the finger-paint off of his fingers before coming to school from his daycare. Oftentimes Jake Rice mispronounces words like "leopard" and you wonder if he actually went to elementary school. A snafu that hits home for me is when Presbi wears my gloves in the bathroom. These mistakes, however frustrating, can be overcome. But, oooh doggy, let me tell you: Mikey B screwed the pooch in a big, big way this weekend.

To those of you who are confused, let me let you in on the secret: Mike Barton makes nuclear bombs in his basement. Always has. Since he was a little boy he has spent countless nights assembling warheads with his bare hands in a dark room lit only with candles. Over the years he has stockpiled an outrageous amount of bombs in his cellar. Last I heard, the tally was over 1400. But the production of these nukes was kept perfectly clandestine for years--ever since he was 6, nobody but him has stepped foot into the basement. Not even Mama B. So why, you may be asking, did he make this crucial mistake after 12 years of secrecy? Two words: Jackass 3.

You can't blame the man for loving the Jackass trilogy (definitely including Jackass 2.5; is that even a question?). He had just gotten his paws on the third installment of Knoxville & Co's brilliant series when he began discussing a potential viewing party with a friend, Mohamed Sakallah. Once again, I can't say that wouldn't be doing the same because if I had a crispy copy of Jackass 3, I would be sprinting laps around my block wearing nothing but my blue suede Air Force One's (the pair that Tamesha also has). But the whirl of manic excitement caused an inexplicable error on the part of Googs. Daydreams of classic Jackass stunts like "Apple of My Ass" and "Hellicockter" clouded his better judgment, and he invited a handful of friends to watch the movie in the Bomb Cave.

The aforementioned quote proved to just as true as Matt Milosovich owning the entire collection of Desperate Housewives DVDs; Mike made a mistake, and now he's not able to make any more bombs. Sure, we all laughed at all of the weiners, buttcracks, farts, and dump that Jackass provided us, but the tone of the evening was a somber one. Even though the we were all much safer when the S.W.A.T. Team came and removed all of the bombs from the basement, we all felt sad for ol' Mike. I asked him how he felt about losing all of his life's work, and he said through a translator, "It's very upsetting, but now I get to start all over again." The devilish grin on his face told the whole story: he may be down, but he's far from out.

Blog by Ruffy :D

Famed Irondale Artist Jake Rice to only exclusively use Crayola Crayons



(Jake talks to a monkey about his recent switch to crayons)



Jake Rice, voted most artistic by the Irondale Senior class, has ditched pencils, colored pencils, charcoal, pens, and every other writing and drawing utensil and has said that in the future he will only be using Crayola Crayons. In an official formally written statement Jake said, "After using crayons to color in my Space Jam coloring book I have decided that I'll only be using crayons in the future." Also, in the statement, Jake described how he liked the new colors and creative innovations of the Crayola company. "Once the new create-your-own-color crayon machine came out my fate was sealed, I was using crayons." Jake exclusively using crayons will be a tremendous loss to the whole Irondale community who were awed by his art work since he emerged as a lovable freshmen sensation in the 2007-08 school year. When posed the question how he'll take multiple choice tests on scantrons Jake responded, "Who cares, I love crayons and if that means failing tests so be it." No one can question his true affection for crayons but people can question his logic in this decision that may earn a few F's in the next semester and take a toll on his phenomenal art work (Let's face it crayons are messy :( ).

Nolan Johnson and Toucan Sam to take Paternity Test on the Maury Show

"You gots a bigger beak than Toucan Sam." exclaims Jerry Siafah in the midst of a rap battle on the back of the Irondale Basketball bus. Jerry isn't the only person to notice the similarity of Nolan's and Toucan Sam's nose, and it has come to the attention of Maury Povich, the host of the highly successful show "Maury". Maury has decided to do an hour long special and at the conclusion of the show the paternity test results will be read to see if Nolan is truly the father of this very lovable Toucan. When reached to see if he had a comment, Nolan said, "I'm not the father of this Toucan, how can a human have a child that is a bird? This claim is completely ridiculous." However, one trip 5 years ago to the Costa Rican rain forest makes Nolan's claim to seem a little suspect. When reached, Toucan Sam either refused to comment or he couldn't talk because after all he is a bird. Overall, this suggests that Nolan is the father to this Fruit Loops logo but the truth will be released officially on the Maury show in the upcoming weeks.

How Pero Got The Body Of His Dreams!!

Have you noticed the new-look Joe Perovich patrolling around the hallways of Irondale, sporting a fresh new barrage of V-neck shirts and flaunting his stunning AmbercromBODY? If you answered that question in the negative, let me ask you this: have you been living in Mike Barton's nuclear bomb-laden cellar for the past year?!?! Oh well, I'll fill you in because that's what I do best ;)

Last summer, I interviewed Perovich about his eating habits while at his Fridley home on a play date. When I asked him about what he ate on a typical day, he said "All I eat is french toast and mini corn dogs. They are literally the only two things I ever eat." We then proceeded to have a lengthy tickle fight, and then I continued the questioning. I found out that his go-to exercises were pull-ups and swimming laps with Kelby which he did on occasion. After he told me that, I dressed up in cowboy gear and ran around while Pero chased me with a pool cue. Shortly thereafter, I went into his freezer and ate 6 ice cream sandwiches in a row and then I screamed. I left his house that night with the notion that he was a fairly healthy boy, but little did I know that a change was underway.

When the 2010-11 school year began, Pero started running on his now-beloved treadmill erryday. He altered his diet in a healthier direction; more salad and less Toaster Studels, fewer Lemonheads and more fruit cups. If you hang out with the strapping young lad these days, you might see him spontaneously break out into a flurry of push-ups and sit-ups so fast it will make you dump your pants. That's the name of his game now folks! In the photo on the left from 2010, the airborne Peroki is 175 pounds, but the photo on the right from mere weeks ago shows him striking his trademark puppy pose and weighing in at 155! Asked to comment on his current bodaciousness, he said, "I just want to thank Billy Blanks. He was my sole inspiration to get fit. DOUBLE TIME!"

So there you have it: Pero is sizzling, single, and ready for summer so he can go to the beach.Then he will finally have an answer to the timeless question posed long ago by Alex Vandergrift, "Where are all the girls?" They'll be with Pero.


Blog by Ruffy :D

Back in the Game by Popular Demand

After taking 5 months away from the keyboard to spend more time with my family, I would like to formally announce that I'm back in the blogging game.  Every night since the blog was tragically deleted (It was sort of a blog suicide since I deleted it but let's forget about that one.) I have cried myself to sleep and the roads have been rough to say the least; I even contemplated dying my hair and painting my fingernails jet black. The average day in this phase of my life consisted of waking up at 10:00 to watch The View and after this phenominal show I usually ate a couple bowls of Chef Boyardee Ravoilli and slowly feel asleep to re-runs of Family Feud (I'm still not over the John O'Hurley firing but life goes on.......). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dDkoSGYHxQ After this little ciesta ( Spanish anyone?) I usually took in a couple games of Scrabble at the nearest nursing home (Shout Out to Edna and the Gang!!!)  and then as previously mentioned I cried myself to sleep.  However, to tell you what my normal day was like over this 5 month hiatus was not the objective of this post, it was to let Perez Hilton know that I'm coming for his Gossip King spot and everybody at the Big "I" better be watching their mouth because I'm listening and I will not hestitate to blog about the newest and juiciest gossip.  If you thought my first 3 post of my old blog was dyanomite don't be shy to look at this one!!!
Let's rally around this blog and make it this best of all time.  Oh and one more thing.........CRYSTAL PROM???