"If you don't make mistakes, you don't make anything."
When this proverbial statement was written, it's clear that the author (somehow) had Mike Barton in mind. Sure, we all make mistakes that cause minor inconveniences in our day. Sometimes, for instance, Pero forgets to wash the finger-paint off of his fingers before coming to school from his daycare. Oftentimes Jake Rice mispronounces words like "leopard" and you wonder if he actually went to elementary school. A snafu that hits home for me is when Presbi wears my gloves in the bathroom. These mistakes, however frustrating, can be overcome. But, oooh doggy, let me tell you: Mikey B screwed the pooch in a big, big way this weekend.
To those of you who are confused, let me let you in on the secret: Mike Barton makes nuclear bombs in his basement. Always has. Since he was a little boy he has spent countless nights assembling warheads with his bare hands in a dark room lit only with candles. Over the years he has stockpiled an outrageous amount of bombs in his cellar. Last I heard, the tally was over 1400. But the production of these nukes was kept perfectly clandestine for years--ever since he was 6, nobody but him has stepped foot into the basement. Not even Mama B. So why, you may be asking, did he make this crucial mistake after 12 years of secrecy? Two words: Jackass 3.
You can't blame the man for loving the Jackass trilogy (definitely including Jackass 2.5; is that even a question?). He had just gotten his paws on the third installment of Knoxville & Co's brilliant series when he began discussing a potential viewing party with a friend, Mohamed Sakallah. Once again, I can't say that wouldn't be doing the same because if I had a crispy copy of Jackass 3, I would be sprinting laps around my block wearing nothing but my blue suede Air Force One's (the pair that Tamesha also has). But the whirl of manic excitement caused an inexplicable error on the part of Googs. Daydreams of classic Jackass stunts like "Apple of My Ass" and "Hellicockter" clouded his better judgment, and he invited a handful of friends to watch the movie in the Bomb Cave.
The aforementioned quote proved to just as true as Matt Milosovich owning the entire collection of Desperate Housewives DVDs; Mike made a mistake, and now he's not able to make any more bombs. Sure, we all laughed at all of the weiners, buttcracks, farts, and dump that Jackass provided us, but the tone of the evening was a somber one. Even though the we were all much safer when the S.W.A.T. Team came and removed all of the bombs from the basement, we all felt sad for ol' Mike. I asked him how he felt about losing all of his life's work, and he said through a translator, "It's very upsetting, but now I get to start all over again." The devilish grin on his face told the whole story: he may be down, but he's far from out.
Blog by Ruffy :D
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