PEEP! A Short Film Just For Y'all!

Here it is!!

The short film speaks for itself. Watch it. Love it. Show your grandkids.

See y'all fools at the Oscar's.

Directed by Joe Perovich.

#MNGradPartyTour is on like Donkey Kong!

Joe Perovich strikes the "Jet" Pose next to Boss Dog Marv. (Not seen Estan Tyler reaches for Derek's hips)

What up, Juicy Fam!

Over here in America it's graduation party season, a time when high school graduates hold parties to celebrate their graduation, and all of their friends and family attend. When you're a high school senior, like we here at DEJG all are, you tend to spend a lot of weekends going from house to house, saying "holla holla" at your peeps and snacking on some potato salad.

I know what you're thinking: "AY! DAT AIN'T JUICY!" But keep cool, my babies. We would never let you down.

To keep things dripping the Grad Party Season, me (Scuttlebutt), Derek, Joe Perovich (who WILL be uploading the Juiciest Short Film you've ever seen real soon), and our juicy compadre Jordan Alamat will be documenting every graduate we congratulate in real time. For live updates and lucious photos, stay tuned to my Twitter page on the weekends this summer.

"DAT STILL AIN'T JUICY ENOUGH, DOE!" you say? Hey, we hear you. So here's what we're gonna do: every day, we'll make a point to do everything we can to find the juiciest grad party in town! Wait, you want us to roll into North Minneapolis and swagga step into Big Marv's GP, even if we're the only white folks in the joint?? DONE!

To keep it simple, we're bringing the Juice all over Minnesota, and you're gonna want to see it unfold. Keep those eyes peeled, folks. You're beautiful, and we love you Juicy Fam.

Blog by Ruffy :D

Gessessee brings swag back to AP Tests

     Many people prepare for AP tests by studying, but not Nathaniel Gessessee, he takes his AP preparations to a whole different level. For those of you who are familiar with Nathaniel you already know that some stupid things will leave his mouth ( see Article in the Irondale Eye "Nathaniel Says the Darndest Things"), but he doesn't just say stupid things he does stupid things. For example, I, THE Derek Sprang, said in a hypothetical situation that I could go all Brock Lesnar on him if we were to ever engage in hand to hand combat, and when he had heard what I had said he thought it was an invitation for a bru-haha. However, the fight never has happened, he still comes up to me every Friday and says, "Hey, Derek how does an ass beating sound?" This gets rather annoying after awhile.

Nathaniel exhibits an exorbant amount of Swag with his facial feature and top hat.

      Back to the AP tests, when people have witnessed Nathaniel preparing for his tests they have compared it to Michael Jordan preparing for Game 7.  The stakes are just as high for Nathaniel too, when asked what would happen if he failed the Calc II exam Nathaniel responded with this disturbing answer, "I would literally kill someone, I think.  There is no way I will fail that test."  This answer made me want to run to the AP Test Center and change his answers but for the safety of the civilians of New Brighton and Mounds View I decided this would not be the best course of action.  Also, to make sure he is loose for the exam Nathaniel engages in what any normal middle age women would do...jazzercise.  To make sure he gets the full effect he keeps his leotard (lee-oh-tard. Rhymes with Jake Rice's pronunciation of leopard) in a gym bag, although, there is a rip in his gluttis maximus region he keeps using it, and this is a rather interesting site for other AP test takers .   Stretching is just the beginning, Nathaniel has his head phones blasting the hottest new songs by Rick Ross to get him jacked up for this three-hour brain sizzling activity. To cap off his pre-test rituals he rips off his snap pants KG style and yells, "Let's go Mother Trucker!!!!!!"  He yells, "mother trucker" because he is afraid if he uses profanity he will be kicked out of the testing center, sending his forty dollars down the drain.

    Does high swag correlate with high test scores?  Let me answer this question with another question: Does Milli Vanilli's braids make him respectable?  The answer to that is YES.  So, although, you may laugh when Nathaniel is jazzercising or ripping his snap pants off, he will be laughing at you when he beats you on the AP test.

Spring Preview: Kelby is getting ready!!

We thought it may never end. For what seemed like ages, everyone across Minnesota was forced to plod through mile-high walls of snow in bone-chilling temperatures day after day after day. We were continually bombarded with torrential snowstorms, making Minnesotans hate shoveling more than Schumer hates Gary. Just when the weather seemed to be turning pleasant, the snowclouds let us have it. It was like we were popcorn movie buffs and the clouds were JPZx, putting us in our places. I mean, we got snow in May! That's almost as funny as Cris Collinsworth's timeless jokes.

But now, finally, the sun is finally starting to shine! Allow me to break the news because, of course, that's what I do best ;) spring is finally here! Eager leisure-lovers around the state have been taking advantage of the glorious weather by hitting the tennis courts, softball fields, and golf courses. However, the dawn of spring means something entirely different for one tough son-gun. Let me ask all y'all DEJG readers across the globe a question: do the words Kelby Buck mean anything to you?

True as toast, Kelby is getting ready to spend another entire summer in the Perovich family pool. Last year on those unbearable summer scorchers, the gang and I did everything we could to try to swoop sweet, sweet pool time, but we always failed (except for a few glorious forbidden midnight dips). Kelby dominated that pool as fiercly as James Rymarchick dominates the baseline with his buttery J. From sunrise to sunset, Kelby only left the pool only to get an occasional bowl of cereal--which he filled with pool water. Other than that, he was swimming every moment of the day. And he's ready to do it again.

While the rest of us have been frolicking about, Buck has started to stockpile the necessary supplies. Multiple witnesses report that he has been loading up on flippers, floaties, tubes, goggles, mermaid legs, those things you lay down in with the drink holders, and, of course, noodles. Kelby's spending spree has absolutely crippled Walmart's inventory of aquatic goods, sending American pool-owners/Rollback-enthusiasts into anti-Kelbian tirades. One angry lady under the user-name Watermom had this to say about Buck on The PoolForum:

"I hate that cow! Does he think that his Goodhue championship trophies earn him a free pass to all the pool gear he wants? If I EVER see him around, I'm gonna gouge his eyes out so he can never watch SportsCenter again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yikes! Needless to say, Watermom was banned from The PoolForum for these threats. I have a theory that she is locked up in the übercreepy attic above the Perovich's pool, but that is another story for another day. I contacted Walmart's corporate office for an interview on how they are holding up after Kelby swept their stores like he Jason Terry (Hi-yo! Lakers, SUCK ON THAT ONE!) with President & CEO William S. Simon, but he was not available for comment. From what I hear, he has taken refuge in the Caribbean after Watermom apparently threatened to bite his nose off when Ragu was taken off of Walmart's shelves. Instead, Eduardo Solórzano, President and CEO of Walmart Latin America, released this statement:

"The fact that Kelby Buck continues to obliterate our supply of pool accessories is not news to us. Years ago when he began hoarding supplies, I couldn't believe it. But we have adjusted and Walmart will be fine. However, I have heard that Kelby is always in the pool. ¡¿Siempre en la piscina?! Outrageous! He has become a living legend around the office! Now, everybody calls him Pasa Gorda Grande, which means Big Fat Prune. This man is lo...wait for it...co!

¡¡¡LOCO!!!"

Crazy is one way to describe it. Others call it ridiculous. Even fish say it's excessive. I happen to call it an Engage Eight blitz of passion. But whatever you call it, Kelby doesn't care. Don't believe me? You can ask him, but pretty soon there won't be any words coming out of his mouth. Only bubbles.




Blog by Ruffy :D

VC is officially bound for St. Thomas...LEGGO!

After suffering a horrific injury in Irondale's first football game of the 2010 season that left him with a fractured fibula and shattered tibia, Vince Calistro's promising football career went into question. But Vinny put on his serious face, fought like a champ, and came back stronger (holla at Drew Brees & Rob Reetz!) than ever--in time to lead the Knights basketball squad to one of their best seasons in recent memory. After the basketball season concluded, the world was glued to their computer chairs constantly refreshing Vince's Twitter page, anxiously awaiting a college announcement until finally on Monday...

JUMP FOR JOY! As it turns out, Vince wasn't in doubt and therefore won't be playing for Stout (or Winona State). Despite the tweet receiving mixed reviews--heckles from @bobbollweg and @Redaar9, but praise from @Zak_Double_UK and @RARuff59--the big fella is officially a Tommie!

But exactly why is Vinny sharing a seat on the Tommie Train with Fridgemala? Well I'll fill you in, cause that's what I do best ;) I recently got a chance to catch up with Vinner and asked him why he chose UST. He said, "I really couldn't pick between Stout, Winona St., and St. Thomas because they all gave me more free gear than Urban Outfitters has Rob Krummel t-shirts. So it pretty much came down to one thing:

"The Choji Zone."

It's a place so legendary and so mythical, some question its very existence. Tall tales are passed down from generation to generation, but few who have entered the Choji Zone ever live to tell the tale. It makes The Hangover look like an episode of That's So Raven. It makes Hatchett's infamous Rounds look about as dangerous as a fiesta in Senor Colemon's class. The person who can describe it most accurately is Chinni himself: "Choji Zone= My Life, Your Entertainment"

Vince explained to me that he initially thought the Choji Zone was a Lego dreamland because of the catchphrase "Leggo!' that often signals that the Choji Zone is in session, but that issue was cleared up later. Now, Vinny is excited see what all the hype is about. "It's definitely going to be a test. I've heard that Coach Caruso works the football boys hard, but it's nothing compared to the challenge of the Choji Zone. When I visited St. Thomas, I saw multiple people passed out with "C.Z." tattooed on their buttcheeks. It's hard core, man. I'm a little scared, but I'm ready."

We know if anybody can take the Choji Zone in stride, it's VC. We can't wait to see how the Big Fella does in the Zone and on the field! Congrats and good luck, Vince :D There's only one thing left to say...

LEGGOOOOO!!!




Blog by Ruffy :D

Air Bud to Join Irondale's Ultimate Frisbee Team

Irondale Ultimate Frisbee's captain Marcus Carrigan was really getting down this Friday after he announced that the Golden Receiver, Air Bud, was joining the Knights Frisbee Club. Air Bud, of course, has chosen to wear the number K9 this year, and his jersey will be unveiled at a Press Conference on Monday.

For those of you unfamiliar with Air Bud let's just say that he is most athletic pooch in history and many of successes have been chronicled on video from "Air Bud: 7th Inning Fetch" to "Air Bud: Golden Receiver". Air Bud has decided to move from the Timberwolves to the Knights becasue of the risk of being abducted by Snively, his former abusive owner. Snively successfully kidnapped Air Bud from his owner in the original Air Bud causing him to be late to the championship game, and almost costing the T-Wolves the game. However, being in New Brighton Air Bud is free from Snively. Through a dog whisperer Air Bud released the following statement, " I'm glad to be suiting up for the KFC and eating all of the chicken that comes with it." Air Bud, was confused by the acronym and this issue was cleared up later. When asked how we was going to throw the frisbee he described that it will be very similar to how we swung the baseball bat in 7th Inning fetch.

Get READY FRISBEE FANS FOR AIR BUD'S DEBUT IN THE WEEKS TO COME!!!

Darko Boyz to start last game vs. The Houston Rockets

A DEJG correspondent has a just caught a wiff of news from Minnesota Timberwolves GM David Kahn. The correspondent reported that the Darko Boyz, a Target Center staple, will be starting the T-Wolves season finale against the Houston Rockets. Now let's see how they will match-up against Lil Flip's Houston Rockets.

Point Guard
#10 Joe Perovich aka Perocri (Elementary School: Pike Lake) vs. #7 Kyle Lowry (College: Villanova)

Joe Perovich will have to look to use his money pull-up jumper that he developed on the concrete courts of Pike Lake to offset Lowry's quickness. For Lowry's sake (Diane's cousin), he might want to show up to the Target Center wearing a protective neck brace and eye goggles so he won't be rattled by Perovich's patent throat jabs and eye gouges. Perovich will have to look to contain Lowry's penetration to prevent the other Rockets from feeding off Lowry's mad passing skills. After seeing Perovich lead CTK #2 to second place in the Augsburg Tournament, I have to say the advantage is in the Darko Boyz' favor.
Advantage: Darko Boyz

Shooting Guard
#25 Jacob Ruff aka BDRuffy (Elementary School: Pike Lake) vs.
#12 Kevin Martin (College: Western Carolina)

Jacob Ruff, a member of the Juicy Staff, will look to use his running hook shots to keep the sharp-shooting Kevin Martin off balance and second guessing. One thing certain about Ruff is that he will bring a lot of swag to basketball court, his collection of racquetball goggles, headbands, XBOX (the original) games, and sweatbands are second to none. If this was Madden 2011 his Old Spice swagger rating would be a cool 88, higher than any other white player in the game. If Ruff can keep Martin from getting off his quick trigger 3 the Darko Boyz will have a big advantage over the Houston Rockets.
Advantage: Darko Boyz

Small Forward
#32 Bryan Sprang aka Nice Legs (Elementary School: Bel Air) vs.
#10 Chase Budinger (College: Arizona)

Nice Legs Sprang leg's are so shiny that the glare off of them will probably blind Budinger causing him to have trouble seeing passes and shooting his outside shot. Hopefully, for the Darko Boyz, the leg's glare will offset the constant fire on top of Budinger's head. Back to the X's and O's, Bryan will have to look to use his tough guy mentality to kill Pretty Boy Budinger's Pretty Boyness and doing so will allow B to dominate in the paint. Also, Sprang will have to use his outside shot to stretch the Rocket's shorts, because they will crap them after seeing his beautiful jumper, and their defense.
Advantage: Darko Boyz

Power Forward
#5 Derek Sprang aka D-Train (Elementary School: Bel Air) vs.
#44 Chuck Hayes (College: Kentucky)

First of all, for the record Dontrelle Willis stole the D-Train nickname from Derek, but anyways Derek will look to use his outside game to Chuck uncomfortable on defense because he usually on plays under the basket. Another thing Derek will have in his favor is his supreme usage of his Charizard Pokemon Card. Most people stunned by the 120 HP, higher than any pokemon, will be lost in holographic card causing them not to be able to focus on defense. Chuck Hayes will be no different after his obsession with Pokemon was shared with the world on his radio show.
Advantage: Darko Boyz

Center
Darko Milicic aka The Stache (Elementary School: The School of Hard Knocks) vs. Luis Scola (College: Argentina University)

The match-up off the two pros will turn into a SWAT party because of Darko's blocking skills. No freakin' contest.
Advantage: Darko Boyz

The Darko Boyz Bench
Jared Johnson #22, James Rymarchick #1, Josh Presbitero #00, Nick Hatchett #33, and #15 Nolan Johnson

Prediction
Darko Boyz: 101 Rockets: 76

We are now dripping Juicy Gossipizzle worldwide!

Ever since Derek returned to the blog scene, gossip lovers from across America have been lighting up the web and flocking to this blog to get the latest and greatest scuttlebutt. But today, we have reached a new height!

Derek's Even Juicier Gossipizzle is now a sizzling international sensation!
We could not be more proud of the fact DEJG is now being enjoyed around the globe in three countries worldwide. Many thanks to our four friends in Hungary and the pair of pals in Singapore who have been supporting us!

DEJG is still growing and is eager to gain readers in from all corners of the globe, so here is the official Derek's Juicy International Promise: For every country that views DEJG, we will post a photo of Derek with that country's flag. Tell your international friends!

Once again, thanks to ALL of our loyal readers out there. We love you! Mi szeret! Kami mencintaimu!

Blog by Ruffy :D

Mike Barton's Cover Blown!!

"If you don't make mistakes, you don't make anything."

When this proverbial statement was written, it's clear that the author (somehow) had Mike Barton in mind. Sure, we all make mistakes that cause minor inconveniences in our day. Sometimes, for instance, Pero forgets to wash the finger-paint off of his fingers before coming to school from his daycare. Oftentimes Jake Rice mispronounces words like "leopard" and you wonder if he actually went to elementary school. A snafu that hits home for me is when Presbi wears my gloves in the bathroom. These mistakes, however frustrating, can be overcome. But, oooh doggy, let me tell you: Mikey B screwed the pooch in a big, big way this weekend.

To those of you who are confused, let me let you in on the secret: Mike Barton makes nuclear bombs in his basement. Always has. Since he was a little boy he has spent countless nights assembling warheads with his bare hands in a dark room lit only with candles. Over the years he has stockpiled an outrageous amount of bombs in his cellar. Last I heard, the tally was over 1400. But the production of these nukes was kept perfectly clandestine for years--ever since he was 6, nobody but him has stepped foot into the basement. Not even Mama B. So why, you may be asking, did he make this crucial mistake after 12 years of secrecy? Two words: Jackass 3.

You can't blame the man for loving the Jackass trilogy (definitely including Jackass 2.5; is that even a question?). He had just gotten his paws on the third installment of Knoxville & Co's brilliant series when he began discussing a potential viewing party with a friend, Mohamed Sakallah. Once again, I can't say that wouldn't be doing the same because if I had a crispy copy of Jackass 3, I would be sprinting laps around my block wearing nothing but my blue suede Air Force One's (the pair that Tamesha also has). But the whirl of manic excitement caused an inexplicable error on the part of Googs. Daydreams of classic Jackass stunts like "Apple of My Ass" and "Hellicockter" clouded his better judgment, and he invited a handful of friends to watch the movie in the Bomb Cave.

The aforementioned quote proved to just as true as Matt Milosovich owning the entire collection of Desperate Housewives DVDs; Mike made a mistake, and now he's not able to make any more bombs. Sure, we all laughed at all of the weiners, buttcracks, farts, and dump that Jackass provided us, but the tone of the evening was a somber one. Even though the we were all much safer when the S.W.A.T. Team came and removed all of the bombs from the basement, we all felt sad for ol' Mike. I asked him how he felt about losing all of his life's work, and he said through a translator, "It's very upsetting, but now I get to start all over again." The devilish grin on his face told the whole story: he may be down, but he's far from out.

Blog by Ruffy :D

Famed Irondale Artist Jake Rice to only exclusively use Crayola Crayons



(Jake talks to a monkey about his recent switch to crayons)



Jake Rice, voted most artistic by the Irondale Senior class, has ditched pencils, colored pencils, charcoal, pens, and every other writing and drawing utensil and has said that in the future he will only be using Crayola Crayons. In an official formally written statement Jake said, "After using crayons to color in my Space Jam coloring book I have decided that I'll only be using crayons in the future." Also, in the statement, Jake described how he liked the new colors and creative innovations of the Crayola company. "Once the new create-your-own-color crayon machine came out my fate was sealed, I was using crayons." Jake exclusively using crayons will be a tremendous loss to the whole Irondale community who were awed by his art work since he emerged as a lovable freshmen sensation in the 2007-08 school year. When posed the question how he'll take multiple choice tests on scantrons Jake responded, "Who cares, I love crayons and if that means failing tests so be it." No one can question his true affection for crayons but people can question his logic in this decision that may earn a few F's in the next semester and take a toll on his phenomenal art work (Let's face it crayons are messy :( ).

Nolan Johnson and Toucan Sam to take Paternity Test on the Maury Show

"You gots a bigger beak than Toucan Sam." exclaims Jerry Siafah in the midst of a rap battle on the back of the Irondale Basketball bus. Jerry isn't the only person to notice the similarity of Nolan's and Toucan Sam's nose, and it has come to the attention of Maury Povich, the host of the highly successful show "Maury". Maury has decided to do an hour long special and at the conclusion of the show the paternity test results will be read to see if Nolan is truly the father of this very lovable Toucan. When reached to see if he had a comment, Nolan said, "I'm not the father of this Toucan, how can a human have a child that is a bird? This claim is completely ridiculous." However, one trip 5 years ago to the Costa Rican rain forest makes Nolan's claim to seem a little suspect. When reached, Toucan Sam either refused to comment or he couldn't talk because after all he is a bird. Overall, this suggests that Nolan is the father to this Fruit Loops logo but the truth will be released officially on the Maury show in the upcoming weeks.

How Pero Got The Body Of His Dreams!!

Have you noticed the new-look Joe Perovich patrolling around the hallways of Irondale, sporting a fresh new barrage of V-neck shirts and flaunting his stunning AmbercromBODY? If you answered that question in the negative, let me ask you this: have you been living in Mike Barton's nuclear bomb-laden cellar for the past year?!?! Oh well, I'll fill you in because that's what I do best ;)

Last summer, I interviewed Perovich about his eating habits while at his Fridley home on a play date. When I asked him about what he ate on a typical day, he said "All I eat is french toast and mini corn dogs. They are literally the only two things I ever eat." We then proceeded to have a lengthy tickle fight, and then I continued the questioning. I found out that his go-to exercises were pull-ups and swimming laps with Kelby which he did on occasion. After he told me that, I dressed up in cowboy gear and ran around while Pero chased me with a pool cue. Shortly thereafter, I went into his freezer and ate 6 ice cream sandwiches in a row and then I screamed. I left his house that night with the notion that he was a fairly healthy boy, but little did I know that a change was underway.

When the 2010-11 school year began, Pero started running on his now-beloved treadmill erryday. He altered his diet in a healthier direction; more salad and less Toaster Studels, fewer Lemonheads and more fruit cups. If you hang out with the strapping young lad these days, you might see him spontaneously break out into a flurry of push-ups and sit-ups so fast it will make you dump your pants. That's the name of his game now folks! In the photo on the left from 2010, the airborne Peroki is 175 pounds, but the photo on the right from mere weeks ago shows him striking his trademark puppy pose and weighing in at 155! Asked to comment on his current bodaciousness, he said, "I just want to thank Billy Blanks. He was my sole inspiration to get fit. DOUBLE TIME!"

So there you have it: Pero is sizzling, single, and ready for summer so he can go to the beach.Then he will finally have an answer to the timeless question posed long ago by Alex Vandergrift, "Where are all the girls?" They'll be with Pero.


Blog by Ruffy :D

Back in the Game by Popular Demand

After taking 5 months away from the keyboard to spend more time with my family, I would like to formally announce that I'm back in the blogging game.  Every night since the blog was tragically deleted (It was sort of a blog suicide since I deleted it but let's forget about that one.) I have cried myself to sleep and the roads have been rough to say the least; I even contemplated dying my hair and painting my fingernails jet black. The average day in this phase of my life consisted of waking up at 10:00 to watch The View and after this phenominal show I usually ate a couple bowls of Chef Boyardee Ravoilli and slowly feel asleep to re-runs of Family Feud (I'm still not over the John O'Hurley firing but life goes on.......). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dDkoSGYHxQ After this little ciesta ( Spanish anyone?) I usually took in a couple games of Scrabble at the nearest nursing home (Shout Out to Edna and the Gang!!!)  and then as previously mentioned I cried myself to sleep.  However, to tell you what my normal day was like over this 5 month hiatus was not the objective of this post, it was to let Perez Hilton know that I'm coming for his Gossip King spot and everybody at the Big "I" better be watching their mouth because I'm listening and I will not hestitate to blog about the newest and juiciest gossip.  If you thought my first 3 post of my old blog was dyanomite don't be shy to look at this one!!!
Let's rally around this blog and make it this best of all time.  Oh and one more thing.........CRYSTAL PROM???